Ultimate forgiveness

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Matthew 7:1-6

This time I want to talk about ultimate forgiveness by which I mean forgiving yourself and forgiving others. If you're hurt especially deeply forgiving him or her may take some time - from few months until few years. How do I know when I have forgiven? When I simply have stopped giving any thought for the incident. Forgiving others is essential to be completely able to live on the present and see the blessings that God has granted to you in this life. It's also crucial so that you would be forgiven in the Judgment Day because your heavenly Father won't forgive you unless you've first forgiven those who have trespassed against you. But we do receive some mercy and forgiveness from God in the Holy Communion each Sunday through bread ("body of Christ") and wine ("blood of Christ"). As Christians we know that Jesus sacrificed himself so that our sins would be forgiven. 

I like to deal with things by writing. Once I've written them down I've released them. Once I've clicked "Publish" on Blogger I've let go and let God. That's my intention today because my life has changed so completely and positively that I see no reason looking back anymore. I want to concentrate on the present and future. I wake up to peace every morning, I'm right where I want to be in life. We got an apartment on September 2013 and I've given birth to my second son. My Theology and Pedagogy studies went alright in the Evangelical Institute. There's spiritual and financial abundance. I'm so grateful. I will start preparing for my second try to university on December 2014 though it will be a challenge as I am now a mother of two boys that depend on me all the time. Last time I practically passed the Finnish Language and Comparative Literature exam but my score just wasn't high enough to be admitted straight to the degree. This time I will be more prepared for I have committed myself for praying and fasting starting from the very first day that I will receive my Theology, Finnish Language and Literature study books and this will make six months. When it comes to my spiritual practice during the past few months I haven't been an active churcher but I have still prayed mornings and nights, listened to lots of Gospel music, written spiritual and Gospel poems, read spiritual books and discovered Wreath Of Christ. 

Returning to today's topic forgiveness I'm here to open my wounds and share them with you so that you can possibly relate and cure your own wounds with me. I recently read "Forgiveness: How to Forgive Everything for Everyone in 21 Days" by Iyanla Vanzant and next time I will continue the forgiveness theme by writing a review of the book and opening The Library Of Spiritual Growing. People that I find most difficult to forgive are my friends turned enemies, my ex, my mother and social and health care professionals. 

Why? Because I have been deceived by my friends and my ex. Because my mother is so possessive over my life that because of her I had to give up one of my greatest dreams and almost ever since my first son was born she has loved him like her own son which is of course good but she has taken it too far: My first son is a son of my ex and currently 3-years-old and mum forced me to let him live with my parents for 2 years because of the careless and abusive nature of my ex. In my opinion her should have never done this because first of all my ex has always shown affection towards his son swearing that his son should be hurt only over his dead body and I ended up being the only one who truly suffered in his presence. He never attacked his son, only me. Also now due to spending 2 years of his life with my parents my son imagines that his home is with them and prefers my parents in everything over myself, his legal guardian even now that after our break-up he has moved back home with me and my new Christian man. This has caused tension and jealousy between me and my mum and unfortunately jealousy and bitterness between me and my first son. Because of the attitudes of my parents and my first son I feel that I'm constantly punished because of the past with my ex. How can I get over when my parents don't get over? Even at the beginning of my relationship with my new Christian man my parents continued to have doubts and negativity and I had to scold them about living in the now and finally they let it go about my man but they continue to be possessive over my son. 
And finally I'm currently unforgiving and prejudiced over social and health care because they continue to be concerned over my children though they know that I'm with the most secure man that feeds us so much love that my life has turned to abundance of many sorts; I'm only still lacking something symbolic like status as a career woman and wife for I haven't completed my education yet and for we're planning marriage on December 2014 or summer 2015. To sum up, reading "Forgiveness" by Iyanla Vanzant brought me some peace of mind and I managed to forgive for the most people that have hurt me during my yet short life by writing her Forgiveness Journal but some issues such as the ones with my mum and social and health care are still fresh and so deep within my soul that I will be needing more listening to her Forgiveness CD of prayers and meditations to be healed for good. As prayer turned my life completely around in 2007 I highly believe in its healing power as well as meditation's. I will also do Iyanla Vanzant's forgiveness EFT or Tapping practice which is familiar to me already by Rhonda Jones's Christian meditation practice and I've found it helpful as well. My goal is to complete the 21 Days of Forgiveness until December 2014 because I feel that I'm only ready to get married and have a new name to symbolize this new life of mine when I have forgiven all the past hurt.     

Talking about presence and future I'm of course expecting to get married, have a job related to writing somehow, travel, graduate to a degree, publish and sell poetry books and... dreaming of becoming successful enough to afford or more likely deserve clothes on Vogue's pages :). I'm also dreaming of attending the concerts of my three biggest favorite artists and role models: Lauryn Hill (whose song "Forgive Them Father" is attached to this post) India.Arie and Jill Scott. By God's grace I already saw one big favorite of mine and a role model Alicia Keys with my Christian man making it the most touching and beautiful concert yet of my life in summer 2013 :).                         

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Matthew 18:21-35 

Lauryn Hill: Forgive Them Father 

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those
That trespass against us
Although them again we will
Never, never, never trust

Dem noh know weh dem do
Dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you
True, ah who?

Forgive them father for
They know not what they do
Forgive them father for
They know not what they do

Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you

They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do, oh

Forgive them father for
They know not what they do
Forgive them father for
They know not what they do

Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to thief off my piece
Why for you to the increase, I must decrease?

If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik

And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missin'?

To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin' I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you lookin' for the answers then you gotta ask the questions

And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto

Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus
Jesus and Judas, back stabbers do this

Forgive them father for
They know not what they do
Forgive them father for
They know not what they do

It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves

A friend once said and I found to be true
That, "Everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think that they won't lie to you"

Forgive them father for
They know not what they do
Forgive them father for
They know not what they do

Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end
Dem noh know wey dem do, dem noh know wey dem do
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do

 

On conquering the devil

Dear Christian brothers and sisters all over the world. Now I'm introducing to you a whole new subject that I haven't talked about but that I've started hearing weekly about in those African prayer evenings: conquering the devil. Last night I lay awake getting inspired on the subject pondering it from each side so now I'd like to share you what I found :). This subject makes me wonder and question because I've learned some whole new kind of prayers contrary to the ones at my church: praying against your enemies instead of praying for them. At my church the most common types of prayers are forgiveness of sin, The Lord's Prayer and healing prayers to help the needy and fragile and to increase world peace. We never pray for anyone's destruction but mainly to help others. Now let me share you some related Scripture to begin with:

"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written:' Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said "throw yourself down. For it is written: "He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Jesus answered him, "It is also written:' Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written:' Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him." 
Matthew 4:1-11 

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect."
Matthew 5:38-48 

So even Jesus himself teaches in the Bible to do good for your enemies and that's why I've preferred praying for God to open the hearts of my enemies and lead them to salvation and repentance instead of destruction. This is because I believe that it isn't a business of man to revenge his enemies in this life because I trust that God will for sure punish them after life because He knows and sees everything knowing who's loyal to Him and who isn't. Let go and let God. These my beliefs also explain why I so persistently was keeping my ex instead of all those bad things he did to me (read 1 Peter 3:8-22 below). Paul writes also somewhere in his letters that the spouse who doesn't believe in God or obey Him will be blessed by his or her devout Christian partner. From the beginning it was my wish to bless my ex but he answered to my goodness with evil. But as 1 Peter 3:8-22 argues it was better for me to suffer with him doing good and fulfilling all his wishes until the bitter end because God will reward me in the end of times. But then finally it was time to let go and as I'm arguing in my previous post abundance has started coming my way since :).
They preach every time in these prayer evenings how drinking, smoking, lying, cheating etc. are bad things and how a person doing all this is possessed by a devil and I have to say that I get deeply touched every time because I was with someone who did all those things. They wanted us to pray against friends turned foes (which I've experienced a couple of times) and against that person or force (= devil) that's stopping us from succeeding in what we want to do and who's wishing our failure. Also these subjects of prayer are current with me because for now I've failed getting the education that I wanted for this autumn and I've also failed having an apartment for my growing family. There are some people who either predicted my failure in these subjects or didn't want me to succeed: 1) a study advisor/a career psychology told me that I wouldn't make it to university 2) my own mum at first didn't want me to move in quickly with my new fiancé (but now she has met him and changed her mind) 3) A social worker told us that it isn't possible for us to live together or find an apartment in this town 4) until now landlords haven't granted us anything because of their racist/prejudiced attitudes. What else can I do but keep trying and praying for God to open up their hearts?

Suffering for Doing good
"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, 'Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.' Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened. But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit. After being made alive, he went and made proclamation to the imprisoned spirits - to those who were disobedient long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built. In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also - not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who has gone into heaven and is at God's right hand - with angels, authorities, and powers in submission to him."
1 Peter 3:8-22 

I also have a personal confession to make regarding this subject: As I already pointed out in my last post I told that few months ago I was at the lowest point of my life and I mean by this that I was on the verge of suicide. Yes, as I learned in the last prayer evening this means that even I got possessed by a devil because of the influence of my ex who was also possessed in his own ways that hurt me so much to the point that I lost my dignity for a while. I have to say that I'm living a very enlightening point of my life right now and all this my contemplation in this post is leading me little by little into an a-ha moment. I haven't talked about devil itself in my blog yet until now but I believe that few months ago I was working on a subject in my post Déja Vu Of Spiritual Awakening which is closely related to being possessed with a devil: listening to Your Everyday Self (= the EGO) instead of Your True Self. So let's have a small recap on what I said about the ego in that post: The ego is insecure, doubtful and afraid and likes to depend on others too much thinking that it will give me security. You know Paul writes in his letters about that power that is making us to do what we wouldn't like to do instead of what we'd like to do and I strongly believe that he's talking about our Everyday Self = the fearful ego = the devil. So on the contrary our True Self must have the meaning of Holy Ghost which will provide us anything we desire as long as we are righteous and believe in it.
So here comes the a-ha: Why did I fall on the verge of suicide with my ex? Because I listened to my insecure, doubtful ego, the devil which made me believe in all those negative things that he told me and did to me! And why am I not yet in university but was only close to an admission? Because I listened to those negative people encouraged by a devil who made me believe that I'm too stupid for that! And why have we not been granted an apartment yet? Because at times I feel like quitting the search because of ungodly prejudiced people who almost make me believe that I'm stupid to listen to my True Self (= The Holy Spirit) which brought me in this town to follow my dreams.

New life
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to everyone of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, then lead diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written:' It is mine to avenge; I will repay", says the Lord. On the contrary:" If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Romans 12:1-21

Jesus turned my life around

Dear Christian sisters and brothers all over the world. Once again it has taken a few months that you haven't heard from me. This spring I was at the lowest point of my life and I realized that in order to be able to fulfill my mission in life and help others once again I should help myself first. In the end of April something happened that shook me awake. My unfaithful ex had promised me for months to leave his "secret" lover for me and our son and this should have happened before my son's 2nd birthday. The birthday was drawing close and an evening or two before that my voice within told me:" Tomorrow your life's going to change... whatever that means." To be completely honest with you now that I've seen what has followed since that evening I believe that the voice talking within me was GOD Himself! I'm reasoning this starting from the events of the next day: Me and my ex had our last heated fight about why he's treating me like that etc., why is he still staying in our apartment if he doesn't love me etc. etc. and the fight resulted finally in something that made me so shocked that I couldn't move for long time. From that moment on the house wasn't a home anymore and though our arguments had been serious for the past year now for the first time I seriously felt that I had to get out of there. At that very moment I didn't know what else to do than dial the Church Supporting number. I told this Christian elderly woman sincerely what had happened between us on that day and during the past year and she begged me to promise her that I would call police straight after we hung up. She also prayed something so beautiful for me and my son that touched me into tears and I dialed the number. So on that same day I ended up talking with a social worker as well and visiting a doctor that told me:" I think there are loyal men in this world as well." I went there for some sleeping pills but I after all never used them because only a week after that some miracles started happening :). I was staying at my parents when I started thinking whether I should start searching for company or not... To me this was a question of life and death because to me life is meaningless without love. Would my destiny be to die young and alone? Or would I finally find a man worth me?

The answer to the last question is YES. I have finally found my one true soul mate for life: the one who shares my faith, similar values and principles and life style and the one who knows and fulfills my needs and desires without me having to tell them aloud :). These are the most significant qualities of a soul mate but beside them we have also similar taste of music. He fulfills the most important qualities of the man of my dreams and his values, principles and life style match to those of mine and my parents. I also love his moral values of sharing and giving which match to mine. He proposed to me on June 1st so we've been now engaged for two and half months but we chatted all May so that makes 3 months of togetherness. I have finally found someone with who I can be true to myself. Our firstborn is due March 6th which will be my another fulfilled dream because I've wanted a minimum of two children. I have prayed since 2007 for something real and lasting and now I've found someone with whom to pray together and stay together. 

For the past two years my faith was sized of a mustard seed and for most of the days I was so depressed and stressed that I had no strength for my usual long prayers but I could just sigh and cross or simply ask:" God help me." But you see I received my miracle anyway :).  

  We prayed together with the pastor a lasting relationship for us and they sang a welcome song for me in the Anglican Church. It feels like destiny that we were both born on the 5th day of some month and that he belongs to Anglican Church because I've considered joining it whenever possible for a few years. Also it brings the taste of destiny into our lives that I used to nickname myself Annuli in 2004 and that I found almost the same name from the list of Igbo names: Anuli means "joy" and differs to my old nickname only by one letter. So God has given me a new name and a new life. For few years I've been complaining here in my blog lack of love and lack of money but now I'm richer emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially than I've been for ages. I still have little but I must be closer to abundance than ever before :). I feel blessed surrounded by my new Christian love, friends and family. I also enjoy learning this new African culture and language. Now only one thing is missing to make our abundance perfect: We must receive an apartment for our growing family by God's grace! 
I also didn't pass to university yet for Development Studies or Finnish Language & Literature but to my consolation I almost did pass the Finnish Language & Literature (yeah you heard me: I indeed didn't fail it but I was close to admission). But I'm not here to give up because I'm going to study for an academic year of Theology in Evangelical Institute which will help me to prepare for next year's Theology entrance exams or they make it possible that by studying this course I may have a straight admission to university without taking the exams first :). So my plan is to apply next year again for Development Studies, Finnish Language & Literature and Theology. It's wonderful about my upcoming Theology year that I'll be learning Greek, I'll have a chance to rehearse working in some non-profit and that I'll be attending divine services at school. To close my post I want to note the Nigerian gospel music that I uploaded for you to enjoy from Youtube :). 

Love knows no fear

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:16-18

I have never been before this brave in my life to call police about someone that I loved and to take him to court. I've never been this brave to leave everything behind and move to another town to follow my dreams. At first I was just extremely afraid with my ex and he was holding me back but then I met my husband-to-be and I wasn't afraid anymore. I learned this spring and summer two important Christian lessons: Having faith sized of a mustard seed is better than no faith at all and you have to have courage to LOVE again and follow your heart and dreams because GOD provides for you and He hears your tiniest, weakest prayer. 

I dedicate this blog post to Stanley, my husband-to-be :).

PS: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL NELSON MANDELA DAY TO ALL OF MY FOLLOWERS!

India.Arie - Soulsister of us all

Dear Christian sisters and brothers. There's been so much going in my life that I nearly have stopped writing this blog though I'm both in Bloggers and BlogFrog. I'm so greatful that more and more people find my blog though I haven't been active for really long time. I've been really busy with my baccalaureates and I have to start preparing for my English baccalaureate this month or on December. Six months ago I also became a mum so I feel that I truly have had time almost for everything or everyone except myself. I want to be honest and say that I'm really exhausted and that may be another reason why you haven't heard from me for so long time. In my previous posts I talked much about my struggles and I really feel like those struggles are taking over me and they're just getting bigger and bigger. I think I've been also before in the same situation but now once again I feel like losing my belief in myself and maybe even in our Lord Jesus Christ. I still pray for God to help us but I'm getting really hopeless and disappointed, because from my ankle things are just getting worse. I keep asking: What if I fail my baccalaureates? What if I can't get the education that I want to? What if I'll remain jobless? What if my dreams won't become true? How am I supposed to help people when I need this much help myself?

The thing is that for a couple of months I have felt like losing connection to myself and God. The past weeks I have felt like I don't even know myself anymore. I've been also asking: What happened to that strong-willed dreamer that I've been the last 10 years? Am I becoming a cynical loser? At secondary school (few years ago) I even wrote an entire speech on that how you mustn't listen to doubtful voices from anyone on the journey of realizing your dreams. I wrote that you must keep believing and fighting no matter what because your patience shall be rewarded when it's time. I presented it in the school radio, playing in the end "When You Believe" by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. I didn't mention God in my speech but my speech took place only shortly after my heart had accepted Christ. And I have to say that becoming a Christian has been the happiest moment in my life yet. This speech means to me very much because until now dreams have meant to me the most in my life. Dreams make life worth of living I think. Actually my very own motto has been Without a dream there's no life. I think it's true because I think none of us would even live if our parents wouldn't have first dreamt of finding the ideal partner and then dreamt of having children with him or her. So dreams give us life, they form it little by little :). The speech was also an important moment to me, because as a shy and vulnerable person I had for the first time in my life enough courage to speak from my heart on the subject that I find important.
So the question is: Why should I give up? Have I worked so hard for the last 10 years for nothing? The old good sister Mary somewhere deep inside of me says:" No, your effort shall be rewarded. Just stay positive and keep praying, wishing, dreaming and believing."

So after all I still seem to have connection to myself and faith in God though I'm going through hard times :). My secret is music ;). I realized that if I lose myself, the person that I have became thanks to God, I find my positive attitude, my values and beliefs once I open my mp3. It's trange how you can find yourself from music and relate to songs of some singer-songwriter who lives on the other side of the world and who you have never met. To me India.Arie is an artist like that but I do have many others too :). From her music I find belief in myself and God and I find my values, including anti-racism because you may know her new album Open Door made together with an Israeli singer-songwriter Idan Raichel will be published on spring 2012 and it will carry that message.

Acoustic Soul

Acoustic Soul was India.Arie's debut album published in 2001. Until 2007 she was signed to the legendary Motown but she's currently signed to SoulBird of Universal Republic. Unfortunately I don't own this great album yet but I've been listening to it on Youtube. The album opens with a psychedelic guitar solo and continues with the first actual song, Video, which was her first single declaring self-respect and accepting and loving yourself though you're not "an average girl from the video". She wants to say that inner beauty is the most important and we mustn't be turned down by media's narrow beauty perceptions. You can be beautiful without having model's measures and expensive clothes. This funny, care-free song is one of my favourites from the album. Promises is a jamming guitar r&b song and one of the absolute gems of the album. This song speaks to me, because my boyfriend promises good things to be happened so often but then he's never good as his word. I think the song tells about a similar incident. India.Arie's self-written lyrics are absolutely deep and spiritual. She talks much about God but I wouldn't call her work actual gospel. Her another single from the album, "Brown Skin", is another declaration of self-respect and also admiring your man for his colour. It's pride of your ethnicity and loving yourself with the features that God has given you. It's simply beauty and confidence inside a soulful ballad. The album continues with a soulful, powerful song "Strength, Courage and Wisdom" which has helped me a lot with self-confidence and faith.

India.Arie has a special, a little bit of flagrant voice which is still soft and feminine. I think "Nature" sounds maybe the most of all songs in the album a mainstream soul and r&b song. Its soft beats are rather usual but then the high piano notes bring something sensitive, a bit sad and vulnerable to the song. She uses nature's changing seasons as a metaphor of her relationship which seems to be uncertain if it continues or not. Also this song is touching me. "Back to the Middle" is once again a jamming guitar soul song telling about confidence and staying in focus. Especially this song has helped these days when it's been difficult to me to stay focused and being in connection with myself and remembering the heart of everything. "Ready for Love" is a dramatic, sensitive ballad with guitar, strings and piano telling about that how you're ready to be loved by a man of your dreams but he hasn't appeared yet. This song touches me deeply, because she talks about an artistic, spiritual man who follows his heart. I think the album is full of jamming, good beats, deep thoughts and sensitive ballads. India.Arie is absolutely a special artist who's under-rated in the mainstream radio, because of her spirituality and unusual vocals. To me this is pure art and HEART.

Grade: 10. I gave the highest grade because to me this is musically and artistically perfect.

Voyage to India

India.Arie's second album Voyage to India is even more psychedelic than its predecessor and she received her first of four Grammy Awards from it (The Best R&B Album). Album's few introductions "Growth", "Healing" and "Gratitude" tell about facing the life the way it is and following the guiding spirit of God. "Little Things" is a cute and sweet single from the album flavoured with children's laugh and soft r&b beats. It tells about appreciating the small joys in life. "Talk to Her" is a psychedelic song for a man asking him to speak respectfully for his woman. "Slow Down" is one of the gems of the album with tasty r&b beats telling about that how we shouldn't rush to the future but live in this moment. "The Truth" is a beautiful, soft ballad talking about finding your soul-mate. "Beautiful Surprise" is a wonderful guitar ballad telling also about finding the right man, the man of your dreams that you prayed for. I think a jamming song "Get It Together" touches me the most in the album because it tells about that how your friends and kin hurt you most easily and you've been hurt for many years because of those relationships. It tells about that how you should let their past lies be past and heal your body and soul. I've been through this what the song tells about. I think in this album India's voice and music all in all are much softer than in its predecessor and it sounds very mainstream r&b. I own this album and I listen to it always when I have stress or sleeping difficulties. It truly helps me to fall asleep and relax. "Headed in the right direction" is another gem of the album with groovy guitar and soft r&b beats. This song reminds of that when I have love and faith in God I'm headed in the right direction and I can't go wrong. "Can I Walk With You" is once again a soft, joyful, soulful single telling about finding the one for you and how you want to marry him. "The One" continues with the same theme and it's one of the gems with strong r&b beats. "Complicated Melody" is a playful description of boyfriend, played completely by guitar. "Good Man" is the saddest song from the album that makes my heart ache because it tells about that how parents of a child broke up. The album ends with a silent, peaceful declaration "God Is Real" giving reasons for its declaration.

Grade: 8,5. The album is good but artistically it's less brave than its predecessor. The album is so tame that it's almost boring but it's perfect for relaxation and meditation.

Stronger in faith and hope

Dear readers. I'm sorry for being away for so long but I've been really busy with my studies and I still am. Despite that I've still visited my blog continuously and I truly haven't forgotten my readers. Opposite I've been thinking of you and felt guilty about not being able to update my blog as also new readers and followers have joined along. There's been so much to think about and I'll share those thoughts with you today. And just like in my previous blog posts I hope writing about my growing as a Christian inspires you or you find encouragement in it. In the past weeks there's happened little by little something in my spirit that has grown my faith and self-esteem in my life and my today's blog post is dealing with that. Also on this blog post I'll start dealing with a subject which I believe I know much about or at least it's very close to my heart - the subject is dreams and making them true.

I told in one of my previous blog posts that I'm struggling with a learning difficulty which I can admit to be Maths - I do well in the rest of the subjects. My learning difficulty is so demanding that it might endanger my possibility to graduate but until now I've made the courses with help of my boyfriend's friends. To realize my dream of becoming a translator or an English teacher I must be really hard-working on this adult grade of high school so I can apply to university. To graduate from high school doing 4 baccalaureates would be enough but if I truly want to keep even the hope alive for achieving one of those degrees in university I must do 6. If I couldn't make my way to university my second considerable choice would be sign language interpreter studies in college. Because my baby is due on May my parents are worried about that I should quit my studying, but because adult grade of high school is studied at home there shouldn't be concern of that: I can do my courses while baby is sleeping by my side and as I'm anyway mostly at home I don't see a need for maternity leave or parental leave. So luckily I heard from The Social Insurance Institution that I can study during those leaves and still get the allowances. I've also admitted that we have some financial problems but now that my boyfriend has a better job we have seen a sparkle of hope. And as I'll be busy with doing my baccalaureates until 2012 or even 2013 that barely gives me time for publishing a book but I'm trying to realize this dream with realistic one year's delay.


Yes, this all sounds very demanding but there's something that keeps me going: Shakira has inspired me with her song Waka Waka, because every time I hear that song it's like she's talking about my struggles. Her joy and strength also gives me joy and strength. She's also convinced that quality education is the key out of poverty and for making young people's dreams true. She has said:" Education is a birthright and a quality education is the only tool that a child has to turn dreams into reality." So she's truly my inspiration in this life situation! I'm also ready to study hard for the sake of my baby because after university our financial worries are over. I have to say that these weeks Shakira has been the push for giving me faith to survive but I've seen the Sun Comes Out (Sale el Sol) also behind other clouds: my boyfriend's better job, my study advisor showed my bigger chance for passing the Math courses, TSII showed green light for both money and studying... My prayers are being answered but no-one else can after all lead me to success and happiness than myself. I have to keep on my positive, ambitious attitude no matter what. Though my parents would have rather liked our child not to be born yet I have also faith that God protects life and won't turn our hopes down. I have to believe that in these challenging circumstances God is with me. I believe that the faith that I've had towards my dreams at a very young age has also formed into belief in God during these years. After all God is the Dream Giver but that's all another blog post to come...

Before my spirit was a soft lamb and easy to slaughter in its weakness and humility. Now my spirit is still soft but it's strong and confident in its beauty like a lion that sunbathes in the heat of safari. The lion knows its purpose is to hunt the gazelle, to eat it and beat it - the same way we will beat our struggles and challenges. We will become superior to them just like lion rules the jungle, because Jesus Christ rules the world. Jesus Christ is superior to our struggles and challenges, because He suffered and died for us. That hope won't let us down.

Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) lyrics by Shakira

You're a good soldier/ choosing your battles/Pick yourself up/And dust yourself off/And back in the saddle

You're on the frontline/Everyone's watching/You know it's serious/We're getting closer/This isn't over

The pressure's on/You feel it/But you've got it all/Believe it

When you fall get up/Oh oh.../And if you fall get up/Eh eh...

Tsamina mina/Zangalewa/Cuz this is Africa/Tsamina mina eh eh/Waka Waka eh eh/Tsamina mina zangalewa/Anawa aa/This time for Africa

Listen to your god/this our motto/your time to shine/Don't wait in line/Y vamos por todo

People are raising/their expectations/Go on and feed them/this is your moment/no hesitations

Today's your day/I feel it/You paved the way/Believe it

If you get down/Get up oh oh.../when you get down/Get up eh eh...

Tsamina mina zangalewa/Anawa aa/This time for Africa/Tsamina mina eh eh/Waka Waka eh eh/Tsamina mina zangalewa/Anawa aa/Tsamina mina eh eh/Waka waka eh eh/Tsamina mina zangalewa/This time for Africa